Grief, Suffering, ADHD and Dungeons and Dragons. The Enigma that is Tom Boyd
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Welcome to Sunburnt Souls with Tom Boyd
Life is filled with highs and lows, moments of deep joy, and seasons of immense grief. How do we process loss without becoming bitter? How do we walk through suffering while still holding onto hope? And what does ADHD have to do with all of this?
Tom Boyd joins Dave Quak to unpack his incredible journey—one marked by profound loss, faith-filled resilience, and a unique blend of intellectual depth, humor, and hyperfocus. From childhood grief to navigating ADHD, Tom shares how faith has shaped his response to trauma, why suffering doesn’t have to lead to despair, and how Dungeons & Dragons, martial arts, and books play a role in his story.
This is a conversation for anyone who has ever faced loss, questioned God’s involvement in suffering, or struggled to make sense of life’s twists and turns. If you’re looking for encouragement, real talk, and a reminder that faith and mental health can coexist, this episode is for you.
Dave Quak
Sunburnt souls. You guys are blessed because I have got Tom Boyd with me today. Now, I don't usually name an episode before we do the episode. I normally name it after when I upload it, but I am going to call this the Enigma that is Tom Boyd because you, my friend, are a riddle. You are someone who can play Dungeons and Dragons and love it, which is the nerdiest game on the planet, but you also could do a spinning back kick and kick me off my chair right now, because you're also like a black belt in martial arts as well.
Tom Boyd
If there's enough room.
Dave Quak
Here, if there was enough room, you have ADHD, but you read millions of books. You're super funny and super blunt and super smart, and sometimes you use your intelligence for good and sometimes you use it for evil. Tom. So is it true that you once persuaded one of your coworkers that Germany was pronounced GERmany, and because she trusted you? She then started calling Germany, GERmany?
Tom Boyd
Yes. I also persuaded my friend's sister the same thing. And we were in that clock shop on Mount Tamborine, the German clock shop.
Dave Quak
And what happened?
Tom Boyd
She went and spoke to the owner, and I didn't hear the conversation, but she came back and punched me.
Dave Quak
So you use it for good and evil. I'd love to go to trivia with you, I feel like we'd win. You know things that other people don’t know. Like, I feel I love it when I'm in church and I'm stuck and I'm like, what was that thing called again? And then you just yell at the answer from the congregation.That makes me happy.
Tom Boyd
Trivia is fun, except when they ask questions about pop culture.
Dave Quak
Yeah, you don't really do pop culture. It's kind of beneath your bit, isn't it?
Tom Boyd
A nerd culture?
Dave Quak
You do nerd culture. What is nerd culture, though? Like if I ask you about Star Trek, is that pop culture or nerd culture or both?
Tom Boyd
Probably both.
Dave Quak
It's gotten cool again.
Tom Boyd
Star Wars I can do. Not as much Star Trek.
Dave Quak
Not as much. Yeah. I got us Talisker whiskey for today's chat. Cheers, my friend. A couple of reasons. One, I really like your company. Two, it's been a big day. Thank you for the big day. And three, it's just delicious.
Tom Boyd
Good whiskey.
Dave Quak
You like it? It's quite peaty. If you've ever had Talisker, it's competing like peaty whiskeys. Thank you for coming on Sunburnt Souls. You listen, you encourage me, and you know it's about faith and mental health, and you've got experience with both. So why don't we start with faith, man? Where are you at with Jesus?
Where Are You at With Jesus? – A lifelong faith journey, even in the face of suffering
Tom Boyd
Well, I'm a Christian. I have been for as long as I can remember. I don't think there's ever been a point in my life where I've really walked away from God. Maybe I haven't always been as close as I could have been, but that's a God thing. It's amazing, yeah, I think.
Dave Quak
He's been chasing you.
Tom Boyd
Yeah, just making sure I stay close. Very much so. And that's really because of the people He's put in my life—people who have kept me close as well.
Dave Quak
It's pretty amazing, though, because, I mean, let's just dive straight in. For you to say that He's kept you close, even though you've experienced a lot of loss in your life—not everyone would feel the same way, bro.
Tom Boyd
No, I think when someone experiences loss or hardship, there are two ways they can go: toward God or away. Either they become bitter toward God, or they can heal through Him.
Dave Quak
And you’ve found that to be your experience?
Tom Boyd
Yeah. Not that I haven’t been bitter at times in my life, but God’s definitely shown me how to suffer well.
Dave Quak
Was losing your father the first big loss you faced?
Tom Boyd
Yeah. My dad died when I was 11. It was a shock.
Dave Quak
I’ll bet it was. Man, that’s such a hectic time for a son to lose his dad.
Tom Boyd
Yeah, very much so.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
Dave Quak
One thing I’ve learned about you, Tom, is that you’ve gone through a lot, but you keep drawing back to God without being cliché about it. You’re not like, “Oh, zippity doo, everything’s going to be fine.” You process your emotions; you go through the anger, and you face things head-on. But, man, you wouldn’t have had the tools to do that when you were 11.
Dave Quak
So how do you handle that?
What is it like to lose a sister and a father?
It’s all about the people in my life. I think 11-year-olds don’t really have the tools to handle things very well, at least in my experience. But I had an amazing Christian family, and not just the extended family, but the people God’s put in my life have been amazing in helping me deal with problems.
I work a lot with people who have trauma, and trauma is not so much about the event but about how you experience it and how you process it. So, I think I’ve come away from all these hard experiences not traumatized because I’ve had help to process things quite well.
Dave Quak
Well, so you're not traumatized from that?
Tom Boyd
I wouldn’t say I am, no.
Dave Quak
That’s amazing. And now you’ve gone into a field where you help people—young crew who need help, who need assistance.
Tom Boyd
Yeah. I think because of my experiences, I’m able to at least sometimes say, “Me too.” Today’s kids might say, “I’ve had tough experiences as well.” Not to say I know exactly how they feel, but maybe they’re more open and willing to speak to someone who has similar experiences.
Dave Quak
Yeah, your mum must be a hero. How did she handle that?
Tom Boyd
I think that’s a good question for her. Honestly, she’d be a great guest for this podcast. She’s got a lot to say.
Dave Quak
Yeah, because not only did she lose her husband, but then she had to deal with you boys and your grief as well. And somehow, she had to manage life. Oh, we’ll get her on. You ask her for me.
Tom Boyd
Alright, moving back soon. She’s good.
Dave Quak
And then you had your brother. Is he younger or older?
Tom Boyd
He’s older.
Dave Quak
Okay. And so he obviously experienced the same loss. Did you guys grow close?
Tom Boyd
Yeah, we didn’t really bond over the experience. We didn’t talk about it at the time, but we’ve always been close. We were part of the same friendship groups, so we see each other quite a bit.
Dave Quak
And he’s got kids?
Tom Boyd
Just the one—Molly.
Dave Quak
Molly. She’s into... yeah, nice. And you guys hang out?
Tom Boyd
Yep.
Dave Quak
And you’re about to have a little bit of an addition to your family?
Tom Boyd
Yes.
Dave Quak
Tell us about that.
Tom Boyd
Ellie is 32 weeks pregnant today. Today? Yes, today. So about eight more weeks. Her due date is my birthday, December 17th.
Dave Quak
And are you revealing the baby's sex and all that?
Tom Boyd
If I knew the sex, I wouldn't reveal it. I don't know.
Dave Quak
Does Ellie know? Secretly? No. What about the scans? Did you try to speculate?
Tom Boyd
We told them we didn't want to know. So they told us to avert our eyes at certain points.
Dave Quak
Okay.
Tom Boyd
At certain points, yeah.
Dave Quak
Cool, that's very cool. So, you had your brother growing up, and then you had another big loss.
Tom Boyd
I had an older sister, Amy, whose nickname from dad was Molly, actually.
Dave Quak
Is that why your brother calls her Molly?
Tom Boyd
Yeah, yeah. Five years after dad died, Amy was killed in a car accident. She was on her own in the car, and she had a collision with a bus. She had left the house a few minutes before we left for school, so we were some of the first to come across the accident, which was awful.
Tom Boyd
But I can see how that kind of experience would be traumatizing. If I hadn't had help processing it, it would've been harder. She was in ICU for three days before the doctors said there was nothing they could do, so we turned off the machines and said goodbye.
Dave Quak
How old were you then?
Tom Boyd
16.
Dave Quak
And you remember those three days pretty vividly?
Tom Boyd
Bits and pieces, yeah. It was rough, just not knowing. I think there was a bit of relief in knowing what the next step was, even though it wasn't a nice one.
Dave Quak
So hectic. Were you in the room when they turned the machines off?
Tom Boyd
No, I wouldn't have wanted to deal with that.
Dave Quak
Nah, not at any age, but especially not then.
Tom Boyd
Yeah, not really.
Grief and Loss in Australia
In any given year in Australia there are approximately 150,000 deaths, 1 in every 5 women who experience a miscarriage, 1 stillborn child per 135 successful births, 1 in every 20 children who experience the death of a parent, 147,000 marriages that result in divorce, and 130,000 people that are diagnosed with cancer (Australian Bureau of Statistics).
Dave Quak
Man, you've developed into this amazing guy. You've had so much loss, but you live life to the fullest. Anyone who knows you is blessed to have you as a friend. Is that an attitude thing? How does that work for you?
Making Sense of Trauma – Why trauma isn’t just about the event but how we process it.
Being able to approach suffering in a God-centered way helps. I don't think most people in the Western world have good tools for dealing with suffering. For most, the response is, "This shouldn't be happening," or "Why is this happening to me?"
Tom Boyd
But I think, rather than that, it's important to approach it knowing that this will pass, and that you can grow stronger from it, because you probably will.
Tom Boyd
Suffering happens, and it's going to happen regardless, so make the most of it.
Dave Quak
And making the most of it... What does that look like?
Tom Boyd
I think it's asking, "What can I learn from this?" "How can this bring me closer to God?" I haven't always had that approach. I've been through suffering I hated, and I got bitter about it. So it's been a long journey to get to this point.
Dave Quak
Yeah. So when it comes to the relativity of suffering and trauma, what are your thoughts?
Tom Boyd
Suffering is relative. If you're suffering in your experience, then you're suffering.
Dave Quak
So there aren't degrees? Like, if someone is grieving the loss of a pet, it's not less than grieving the loss of a person?
Tom Boyd
It's still grief. And both people are entitled to experience that suffering. It's like saying you're not allowed to be happy because someone else is happier that day. It's ridiculous.
Dave Quak
Yeah, exactly.
Tom Boyd
And trauma is not the event itself; it's the experience of it. If you let that experience of suffering turn you bitter, twisted, and unable to see a way through, then that's not a good way forward.
Tom Boyd
As a Christian, I can look at suffering and say, "This might get better, but even if it doesn't, God is going to redeem everything." He's not just going to let it all be okay when we get to heaven; He'll redeem it in a way that whatever suffering we went through will be turned for good.
Tom Boyd
That's the redemption that's promised. It's not just "it'll be okay," but that it'll be good, perfect, and exactly as it should be, with everything that was bad twisted into something good.
Tom Boyd
I think that's part of why the Western world struggles with suffering—it lacks hope. You can't have hope without looking to the future, and without God, what future is there? It's all uncertain. It might get better, or it might not.
Dave Quak
Yeah, there's no foundation.
Tom Boyd
In this life, it might get better, or it might not. But I have the certainty that God will make things good. I think everything sad will be made untrue. I can't remember who said it—maybe Tolkien or Lewis—but I like that phrasing.
Dave Quak
Yeah, you've clearly been shaped by some great literature and teaching. I joked before that you read hundreds of books, but it's actually true. You've definitely leaned into good, thoughtful stuff. Has reading and literature been part of your redemption story?
Tom Boyd
Yes. I think C.S. Lewis, who was an atheist before becoming a Christian, looked at stories and myths, and his friend Tolkien pointed out that those stories are echoes of the real, true redemption story.
Dave Quak
That’s awesome.
Tom Boyd
All those stories of brave knights defeating evil and saving the world—those point toward the ultimate redemption story. Jesus is the ultimate redeemer. He defeated evil and he had saved the world. And it's really beautiful. And all those stories that we love that kind of echoes in our soul. Yeah, yeah, but I love.
Dave Quak:
You also dive into a bunch of fiction, fantasy, sci-fi, and all that, right?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, I like some good books.
This episode is also about ADHD with Tom’s good friend Brad Johnson.
Dave Quak:
You do love your books. Okay, so honestly, how do you manage with ADHD? I can only imagine that would make reading a book pretty challenging.
Tom Boyd:
I can hyperfocus on books.
Dave Quak:
What does that mean?
ADHD & Hyperfocus – The struggles, strengths, and surprising superpowers of ADHD
Tom Boyd:
So with ADHD, the prefrontal cortex, which is where all the human things happen—thought, planning, problem-solving, math, reasoning—all that’s in the front part of your brain. With ADHD, there's something wrong there, so focus can switch around. But then there's also hyperfocus, where nothing else matters except that one thing. You can either be easily distracted or hyperfocused. When I’m in hyperfocus mode, I can sit and read a book for hours without noticing anything else around me.
Dave Quak:
That sounds tricky in marriage, though.
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, it’s tough because if something interrupts that focus, it’s jarring. It pulls me right out of what I was doing. My experience with ADHD has been frustrating. I’ve heard others describe it as a superpower, but honestly, I’d prefer not to have it.
Dave Quak:
If there was a button to erase ADHD forever, would you press it?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, I would. I take medication, and it helps a lot.
Dave Quak:
Is that Ritalin or something else?
Tom Boyd:
Vyvanse.
Dave Quak:
Is that like an amphetamine?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, it’s a long-release amphetamine, so it works throughout the day instead of giving a quick burst like some others.
Dave Quak:
That sounds like it really helps.
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, it does. There’s a lot of paperwork in my job, and the medication helps me focus so I can concentrate on what I’m doing instead of switching between tasks. With ADHD, focus often depends on interest, not importance, so I can get distracted by something I’m interested in and forget about tasks that need to be done.
Dave Quak:
That explains your wide knowledge of trivia! You dive down rabbit holes and retain all that info, but then forget the things you actually need to do at work.
Tom Boyd:
Exactly. I try to procrastinate in a productive way. If I’m supposed to be working on a report, I’ll read case notes for another case I’m working on instead. It doesn’t always work, but the medication really helps.
Dave Quak:
Sounds taxing.
Tom Boyd:
It is. It’s frustrating.
Dave Quak:
What else frustrates you about it?
Tom Boyd:
It wasn’t as bad for me until I got married. I have to pay attention to not just what I’m interested in but to my wife and what she’s interested in. Switching attention is really hard for me when I’m deep into something.
Dave Quak:
Yeah, I can imagine. When you’re single, it’s easier because you’re doing your own thing, but when you live with someone else, it’s a different dynamic.
Tom Boyd:
Exactly.
Dave Quak:
Right. It’s an adjustment.
Tom Boyd:
It is. But I love being married.
Dave Quak:
It’s awesome, but always an adjustment, right?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and about a year and a half ago, I saw a psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis so I could start medication again. That’s been a game changer.
Dave Quak:
It must’ve been good to go back and reanalyze things, just to make sure you weren’t going down a tangent.
How did you know you had ADHD?
I always knew I had it. The symptoms were pretty clear for me, and academically, I did well despite ADHD. But I heard at a conference recently that academic performance isn’t always an indicator of ADHD because people with ADHD can get hyperfocused. It’s not an intellectual disability, just an attention issue. And when people get the right treatment, including medication and other interventions, it can change things.
Dave Quak:
So the medication has been a game changer for you?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, it’s been great. At first, it was weird just being able to think clearly without all those distracting thoughts.
Dave Quak:
So those distracting thoughts—are they like five TV channels on at once? What’s it feel like?
Tom Boyd:
I’ve heard people describe it that way, but for me, it’s more like losing my train of thought. I start on a task, then immediately switch to another task and forget what I was doing. It’s like jumping from one thing to another, and before I know it, the original task is completely forgotten.
Dave Quak:
Got it. But now, with the medication, it’s easier to focus on one task at a time?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah. The first few weeks of taking the medication were strangely emotional, in a good way. I felt really good and wanted to reach out to people I hadn’t spoken to in ages. It was strange because I usually don’t feel that way.
Dave Quak:
That sounds like a big shift!
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, but it doesn’t feel the same now. I don’t feel that elation anymore, but I still have more focus.
Dave Quak:
That must help with work, right?
Tom Boyd:
Yeah, it’s made a big difference. I work adjacent to the child safety system, supporting kids in foster care.
God’s Involvement in Terrible Things – Wrestling with theology, suffering, and divine redemption.
It's one of those things that you really have to sit and work through, because, yes, there are terrible things in the world. God can redeem them. He will use them for good, but that doesn’t mean they’re not bad. Yeah, death is bad. It's not how the original design was meant. It frustrates me when people say it's just the next stage of life. Yeah, and expect that to be comforting.
Dave Quak
The little cliches.
Tom Boyd
It’s not comforting. We can grieve, but we grieve with hope. So there’s no sting in it.
Dave Quak
Yeah. Man. Death was never the plan, you know, in the original design. And it will always hurt. What would you say to anyone, Tom, who’s... okay, let’s first start with an individual, and then as a helper. So as an individual who's been through hectic stuff, what would you say to anyone listening who’s currently going through hectic stuff or is just trying to figure out the nature of hectic stuff and, you know, theologically trying to figure it out or, you know what I mean? They’re sitting in it.
Tom Boyd
If someone's sitting in it, then I'd just sit and listen. Yeah, that’s what we need to do—listen to what they’re going through. If I had an answer for why someone is suffering and I told them, "This is why you're suffering," that wouldn't help. No, it’s not going to.
Dave Quak
Well, is there even an answer that would ever satisfy? Like, say you ask the question, "Why did my sister die?" There's nothing God could reply that you would say, "That sounds adequate." Do you know what I mean? Could He possibly reply in a way that would satisfy?
Tom Boyd
Nothing. No, there isn’t. But Tim Keller said, "I can’t tell you why it is that God allows our suffering, but I can tell you why it isn’t. It’s not because God doesn’t love us." Yeah, because He came down and suffered with us. And He died for us. So He does love us. It doesn’t really matter the answer to the suffering; we just have to know that we have God who has gone through it with us.
Tom Boyd
So if somebody is suffering, I’d try and sit with them. If somebody wanted to know the answers... I mean, when people ask that question, it’s either because it’s an intellectual question or because they’re suffering. If it's because they’re suffering, just be with them. If it’s an intellectual question, there are a few good answers.
Tom Boyd
And there’s no silver bullet answer. But a lot of people think suffering shouldn’t happen because they can't think of a good reason why it should. Yeah. If God is good, God is loving, and He's all-powerful, how can there be suffering in the world? Yeah. But they forget that God is also all-wise. And just because you can't think of a good reason for suffering doesn’t mean God hasn’t.
Tom Boyd
That’s right. And that's not a comforting thought for someone who is suffering.
Dave Quak
No.
Tom Boyd
But it holds water philosophically.
Dave Quak
It does. It does. And the world’s broken, dude.
Tom Boyd
Yeah.
Dave Quak
Like there is death, decay, sickness, brokenness, mental illness. It’s all there.
Tom Boyd
And everybody knows that’s a bad thing. Yeah, you can say that. But if somebody has a naturalistic worldview and you say, "Why is it bad that someone else is suffering?" There’s actually no answer for that. Yeah. You can say you don’t like it, but that’s the most powerful thing you can come up with. I love it, but if God does exist, then we can say that death is bad. That children being harmed is bad. Yeah. And we can say it with conviction.
Dave Quak
As someone who has experienced his fair share of brokenness at home and is now working with people who are equally as broken, if not more... there’s no scale. It just warms me that you live for the gospel of Jesus Christ. You know, a lot of people lose people and turn their back on God. Like you said earlier in the chat, you either run to God or you run away.
Dave Quak
I just pray anyone who’s listening can hear Tom’s story and run to God in the brokenness.
Tom Boyd
Yeah.
Dave Quak
Well, it’s been a great chat, Tom, and I really appreciate you. We get to go and have another to Liska, cook some meat on the barbecue, eat with our wives. And one of my favorite things about Tom is he comes up with some great phrases, and we’re going to have meat and... what do you call salad?
Tom Boyd
Salad is... salad is what food is.
Dave Quak
Salad is what food eats. I love that. So we’re going to have some meat and...
Tom Boyd
Some meat food. Some food. Food.
Dave Quak
Mike, do you reckon you could finish this off by praying for us today, Tom?
Tom Boyd
Sure. God, I just pray that if anybody is listening and suffering, that You’ll draw them close and comfort them. I thank You for this podcast, and I thank You for all the people listening, and I pray that Your hand is on it and that You’ll bless everyone listening.
Dave Quak
Amen.
Tom Boyd
Amen. Thank you so much, Tom.
5 Key Takeaways:
Grief and Loss Are Personal: Everyone experiences grief differently, and while some might find solace in time, others may struggle more deeply. Understanding that suffering is relative and personal can help us show empathy and avoid minimizing others’ pain.
God’s Redemption in Suffering: While suffering is inevitable, Tom Boyd emphasizes that God can redeem our pain and turn it into something good. He believes that even in the worst of times, God’s plan offers hope for healing and eventual redemption.
The Importance of Hope: In a world where suffering is often viewed with despair, hope becomes the foundation for resilience. Tom stresses that without hope—especially a God-centered hope—people are left navigating life with uncertainty.
Trauma is About Experience, Not Just Events: Trauma isn’t simply the event itself but the personal experience of it. It’s important to process that trauma in a healthy way to avoid letting it turn us bitter or stuck.
ADHD as Both a Challenge and a Superpower: Tom shares how ADHD impacts his life—especially in tasks requiring sustained attention. Despite the struggles, he finds that medication and the ability to hyperfocus have made a significant difference in his personal and professional life.
How to get help with faith and mental health
If you’ve been wrestling with mental health struggles or navigating the balance between faith and medication, Sunburnt Souls is here to remind you that you’re not alone. Through open conversations and shared stories, we explore hope and healing in the messiness of life. Visit sunburntsouls.com to connect with resources and listen to more episode. Subscribe here to continue receiving updates.
